Have you ever actually stood in front of the mirror and really looked at yourself? I honestly find this a really difficult thing to do. I hate that I am getting older, instantly I see all my imperfections. The scar on my cheek from an incident with my brother and a cricket bat, the scar on my forehead from a bike accident, the tiredness and lack of hope in my eyes, the ever increasing wrinkles of sadness. So much in just one face. No face is as familiar to me as my own, my eyes are slightly wonky, my lips full. I am maybe a 7 on a good day.
But I am me. What do I see beneath that skin? I see someone who is still hurting a lot of the time, someone who is confused and conflicted, someone who wants to move forward every single day but feels challenged and held back by fear and sadness.
Am I where I thought I would be in my 35th year? Absolutely not. Some of that is down to the behaviour of people I loved and trusted who let me down in the worst possible ways. Some of that is down to me. I have let myself down too.
When I was in my early 20’s I literally had the whole thing planned out. Big House, rich husband, perfect kids, ultimate happiness. But when it came ( and it did, I honestly had the whole deal for a while!) what did I do? I got scared and I sabotaged it ( not that this was a conscious decision at the time). I see a lot of that in the behaviour of Him too. It’s easy to get scared and take action to distance yourself from the situations that frighten you.
I question the type of person I want to be on an almost daily basis, most of all I want to be kind. I never want anyone to consider my behaviour as cruel. I don’t really want to let anyone down but I know that is almost inevitable, everyone has their own measure of love and support and we can’t be held entirely responsible for the happiness of others.
We can be accountable for our own actions and behaviour though. We can own that and I will always take that very seriously indeed.
All I strive to achieve these days, is to behave in a way of which I will look back on and feel proud of, I remind myself this everyday, when I feel sad or frustrated or angry. Am I being my best self? will I be able to look in that mirror and like myself when it’s bedtime at the end of another long and testing day?
It’s easy to be blinded by our imperfections and insecurities but I think it is important to remember ….
If you’ve got no scars, you’ve got no story.
The imperfections and the experiences are what make us who we are, and the only person writing your story is you.
Be brave. Be Kind. Look into yourself first before looking to others. If I have learned anything in the last year it’s that humans are so much stronger and can withstand so much more than you could ever imagine. I have. I am still alive. At times I wasn’t sure I could be. It was really touch and go for a while. But everyday I am stronger and the faith I have in my own ability to live a full and happy life continues to grow.