I recently finished reading a fantastic book called SUMO, which I highly recommend to everyone. The focus is on how to ‘shut up and move on’ which is of great benefit in both personal and professional situations.
Within it he describes how we all have period of ‘hippo time’ in our lives where it is ok and acceptable to wallow, it’s all part of the process of accepting what has happened, which is needed before you are able to forget about it, and move on.
I am stuck in Hippo time because of Him and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get out.
I have several theories why this is the case:
- I still can’t actually believe anyone would behave as badly as he did to someone they still spent all their time with
- I still can’t believe he cheated continuously
- I still can’t believe how much he lied and manipulated me
- I can’t understand why, when so many opportunities arose to break the cycle, he CHOSE to keep lying and cheating. Again and again.
- I still can’t believe that none of the reasons we broke up were the actual reason we broke up ( he even said to me that day ‘there has never been anyone but you and I will love you forever’)
- He blamed ME for his anxiety and depression – when it was his lies and behaviour that caused it
- I still can’t believe that even after he had broken my heart, he STILL needed to lie and manipulate me ( thus wasting another 6 months of my life)
- I still can’t believe how many times he said to me ‘you are ruining our relationship because you don’t trust me’ when he was lying and I WAS RIGHT
- I still can’t believe he hasn’t even attempted an apology to my face ( everyone else got one)
- I still can’t believe he doesn’t understand what he has done – this should consume him like it does me and I know it doesn’t ( how does he sleep at night!?)
- I still can’t believe she has gone back to him and made him think that behaving like that to people is ok
I cannot believe that I didn’t know him at all. I gave him everything. Every support, every bit of time and effort, I gave him confidence and love. He took it all, and used me and lied to me.
I am so bored of going on about this, and I don’t blame you if you are bored of hearing it. But I write here what I need to get out. I have good days and bad days. I guess today is a bad one.
But he is moving on, with his girlfriend and appears to have no remorse or regret of what he did to me.
When essentially my family and my circumstances are ruined forever because I made choices for him when he wasn’t giving me all of the information I needed to make them in an informed way.
He has walked off, it must be so nice for him now. No more lies, what a relief he must feel! He isn’t alone ( his biggest fear) He got everything he wanted.
Whereas, I will have to live with reminders of this every single day.
Every single day.
That doesn’t seem even a bit fair, does it?
That’s why I am stuck. At the moment, I can’t see a way out despite trying so hard every day.
I’m so bored.
But I don’t know what I can do now to park it and start moving forwards again.