I’ve been thinking about self worth and value this week, and for the past few months really, I think that’s natural in a time of break up and confusion. Was it all my fault? Was I just not good enough? What more could I have done? But it’s nothing to do with what I did or didn’t do. I know that now.
It’s so easy to lose your value when people manipulate and emotionally abuse you. They set out to make you feel worthless for their benefit and it works. Sometimes you don’t even realise what is happening until it’s all over and by then it’s just too late. You become lost and it’s a battle to be found again.
I heard that the girl at work has taken Him back. I was utterly gobsmacked and then really really sad when this was confirmed, not because I’m jealous or because I want him or anything like that (the thought of even seeing him still makes me want to vomit) But because I feel sad for her. How could you go back knowing that he lied and hurt people so badly? but not only that, you were very clearly his second choice? Shouldn’t we all at least value ourselves more than this? He told everyone that the online girl was the one, and since he wasn’t able to win her back now he is running back? Everyone is questioning what on earth she is thinking and sorry, but yeah, the long and the short of it is, she’s an idiot. But, there must be some fundamental sadness, desperation or loneliness within her that’s made her do it, to not feel like she deserves more, to be ok with not being someone’s first choice, to be ok with his past behaviour, and I feel sad for her on that basis. It’s great for me though, because him seemingly getting away with his disgusting actions and this latest development only helps in making the whole situation even more ridiculous, to the point where it’s now laughable. I can skip forwards in my life knowing they are two people, who seem to lack any sense of respect (for themselves, each other or anyone else) and are therefore, perfect for each other.
I realised that even though I loved him, even if no lies had been told, If he had picked someone else, been turned down and coming running back to me. I would have never ever ever have taken him back. I wouldn’t have been his consolation prize. Knowing all I know now just confirms he isn’t the kind of person I need or want in my life. He isn’t worthy of my time and attention. That’s not to say I would have found it easy but I have enough self respect to know no one should treat people the way he did and I wouldn’t want anything to do with someone who thinks it’s ok to lie and to cheat, to manipulate and to sleep around. But being with him was a bad habit and habits are hard to break.
Something has finally shifted and I now understand . I deserve more. I want to be adored and cherished. We deserve that. Everyone deserves that. I want to be chosen. I want someone who is going to pick me first. Out of all the people. I’m happy to wait for that too. It will come and when it arrives, it will be well worth the wait.
I am living again, I’m continuing to date, I’m meeting new people all the time. I’m smashing it at work. I’m decluttering my home and buying new art and furniture I’m spending more time with the kids, I’m sleeping better and eating more, I’m working out more. I’m almost me again.
But a stronger version. One who knows her self worth and isn’t willing to settle. I can’t believe how lost I became in the fog of manipulation and emotional abuse. I still have bad days of course, I probably always will. But generally I’m feeling good.
I’ve always been someone who has encouraged people to see the best in themselves, to give them courage and confidence. It’s harder to do the same for yourself isn’t it. But I never realised how much sadness I could feel over someone else’s lack of value for their time and emotions and feelings.
We all deserve to be someone’s number one, and until then, we shouldn’t be afraid to be alone. It’s more isolating and lonely being with the wrong person than it is to be alone and it will never end well.
Be yourself, value yourself and take care of you.
Know your worth girls (and boys) and don’t settle. Never ever settle.