It’s about the time of year where historically I have written an open letter to him, thanking him for making me happy, telling him how much I value and love him and basically being pretty smug that I had this amazing, beautiful man In my life.
But that isn’t to be this year. This year I’m leaving the year without him in my life and that has been very difficult indeed.
A week or so ago I was really hopeful we were getting somewhere, but again. The anger took over. We just can’t do it at the moment. We can’t be friends. It feels so much like its easier for him to hate me, every single time we start to enjoy each other’s company again he pulls right back and even when I’ve not actually done anything to start the anger, I don’t cope well with the situation and It’s like he doesn’t want to like me. It’s easier to be cross, to discard me. To pretend I don’t exist.
Meanwhile, I’m struggling to think of reasons why I am not furious at him. He says such hurtful things to me , sometimes I wonder if he has any idea how much he bruises and batters me with his words. He probably does know, he isn’t stupid, I can only assume he doesn’t care.
But his anger at least shows SOME emotion is there, it’s like we have this thread between us and as much as he wants to forget about me, and pretend he never loved me , the opposite of love isn’t anger, it’s indifference. So whilst there is anger there is still something. If our relationship was so horrible and awful Like he has started to claim , why did he stay so long? Why did he look me in the eye and tell me how much he loved me? I know it’s the anger talking, it’s his way to cope. But it still stings and I am happy to remember all the good stuff about us. Because it was so good, for so long.
I’ll continue to miss him. I can’t pretend he didn’t exist because every single day I am dealing with something that wouldn’t even have been a thing if he hadn’t marched into my life and changed everything.
The aftermath of us will continue for me forever.
He is lucky that nothing has changed for him, he has everything ( and more) he ever had. He lost nothing. Apart from me. But he doesn’t want me around, so I’m sure there is no hole in his life, he says he never even thinks of me.
I’m going to make a promise now, not to write about him anymore. This can’t go on. He doesn’t care and nor should I. I have to shut up and move on, because even though it’s Christmas he just doesn’t have enough care for me to try and patch things up.
I’m missing so much of what’s coming because I’m so focused on the past. I had hoped he would play a part in my future, I know now. I was never important enough to him for that.
But, as much as I’ve tried not to. I still love that man and I’m sure I always will.