It was the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last, it was one Saturday afternoon that i realised something was missing. I think it was him.
Up until this point I had wondered along pretty much ok, i had enjoyed the time we spent together but i wasn’t that concerned when we were apart. But on this day i missed him, the fun we had together and the person he saw me as. I don’t know what changed. I guess you get to know a person, start to share more of yourself with them. Enjoy them. Then things change. Time apart becomes more of a chore. You spend days wishing your life away, and i am old enough as it is.
Life of full of people that come and go. Some of them, we barely even notice, and with others it’s always a shock as to how much they can influence and change. I also find that scary. One minute you have your whole life sussed and the next minute you miss someone who is new to your life and all bets are off.
I think the majority of time I missed him because i knew that eventually i would have to have an entire life without him in it. So short term times apart were difficult, but it wasn’t for the few days that they actually lasted, it was the deep rooted knowledge that actually, this was the future. This was just a dress rehearsal for what was to come. That was the difficult part. I wonder how long it is acceptable to miss a person when they are gone for good. By this, i mean, still walking in the same places as you, knowing the same people as you, but no longer being part of you.
It is always a challenge to work out what it actually is that you miss. That is the same in any circumstances i think. It could be as basic as the smell of home, it could be your dog it could be anything. But when it is a person, it is almost impossible to re-create that again, to find someone the same, or that makes you feel the same. Or that stops the feeling of loss when that person is not around.
It’s never the last time though is it? eventually everyone moves on, and the cycle starts again.