This is the second post I have started today. The other one seemed just too dark and deeply personal on an already dark and rainy day. So I’ve parked it. It will be back soon though I am sure.
Instead I am going to talk to you about self-punishment. For many reasons. I think we are all guilty of it. Whether it is always seeing the best in others, whilst we see nothing but the worse in ourselves, or it’s putting ourselves in situations we know have the potential to be bad for us. I feel like it is pretty common. But I do it all the time. Knowingly.
I am quite an emotional person ( those of you that have read my blog before will certainly know that!) but essentially I find it really really difficult to look a situation as a whole. And as a result, I will always find myself doing whatever feels good at the time, regardless of what is hiding round the corner. Because I enjoy the thrill of it all probably. I strangely, and probably self damagingly, enjoy the fear. Like, deep down, I know how it is going to pan out. I am a realist even though I rarely behave like one. But yet somehow I still allow myself into those situations and I don’t just dip my toe in to test the water, nope, I’m all in. I always have been. If you are going to do something, do it properly. Otherwise don’t bother, I’m too busy to faff with things in a half-hearted fashion, I see little point.
What drives us to put ourselves into situations that we know, and we do absolutely know, are going to turn out badly? Or if not actually badly, not well. Why do we do it to ourselves? Would it be easier to only do the things that we know are going to be ok? To live life with the focus on self-preservation, I guess the trouble with that is that we actually have no guarantees about what will be ok and what won’t do we? It is also extremely likely that if you lived your life exercising such a high level of caution you would probably be bored to death before you are 30.
What to know my theory? We do it because is there is always that teeny tiny bit of your mind that thinks. This time, this time I might be wrong, this might actually be the time it all works out.