Chaos: the state of confusion or disorder.
Also the state of my life.
I can’t remember the exact time when I went from having everything under control to the time that I didn’t. I assume that it was a gradual thing. It wasn’t the result of circumstance change or any trauma. It just crept up on me. Then it stuck around.
If I am honest, sometimes I don’t mind. Sometimes I will happily embrace it. There probably isn’t a parent out there who can honestly say that their life is never chaotic. That at some point in each week, probably even each day, where all order is abandoned, chaos ensues and then calm is restored. That is pretty much the life cycle of a day with a 3 year old in my experience. This is totally manageable though ( though it sometimes doesn’t feel it at the time!) and it passes and sometimes it is fun and sometimes it is a relief from the ordinary daily grind.
But on an emotional, more personal level. The state of chaos doesn’t seem to be as short and concentrated. Rather once it is in residence, it is incredibly difficult to evict. I think it is the result of trying to be too many different things. The effort it takes to make all of these separate can cause your mind to become completely jumbled. It’s easy to become confused about which bits fit where and, let’s face it, life rarely fits nicely and compactly into separate pre-defined spaces. However hard we try to make it.
I look at the people around me and I see calm and order and then I wonder, what do they see when they look at me? do they see the chaos that I experience, or, like I do them, do they see a composed version? Am I actually experiencing the ‘normal’ amount of chaos but I am overthinking it?? Am I ( as I can tend to do) making it more of an issues in my mind than it should be? Am I, as usual, setting myself up to fail because of my unrealistic expectations of myself?
I just need like, a two week holiday from real life. To work it all out and to organise it all. But even if I had the time I very much doubt I would even know where to start.