For about the last 18 months I have been trying to work out why I don’t feel completely satisfied and contented in my life. Very occasionally I feel like I have it all worked out, but to be honest, it still remains a mystery.
I think it is because it is different things in different days. Sometimes I am so incredibly lonely that I think I just want company, other days I just want to be left alone and to get my life back ( whatever that looks like) sometimes I just want to be loved. And other days I feel suffocated, in both a physical and emotional sense.
In the early days I just figured I needed to be myself again. But now I am at a point where I feel like my old self. I have regained my individuality and some of my former spirit but that still doesn’t seem to leave me feeling full? There is still something that isn’t right. But as hard as I try I just can’t put my finger on it.
I know that last weekend I said that the thought of walking was tempting, I guess it still is. There is complication here. I still stand by the fact that most people close to me in my life would do better without me around. I feel like they all deserve someone who doesn’t constantly feel like their life is disappointing. Who is constantly spending energy thinking what if I did this? What if I changed that? And more than anything I wish I could go back and make different choices.
I’m supposed to be an adult, a parent. A wife. I am supposed to know what is going on! But it’s like everyday is a game of emotional bingo, but the game is controlled by different bingo callers at different times. I don’t think you can ever win when the rules keep on changing like that. Plus the fact I have no idea what winnings actually looks like. So it’s highly likely that I wouldn’t actually even know when I was winning. It’s no wonder I’m exhausted.
How much time if your adult life can you spend on this complicated guessing game? Does it get to a point where you should give up and just accept that it is what it is? Maybe this is all there is for me? Maybe my expectations are just too high.