There are just some days when I just know I’m getting it all wrong. I think today is one of them.
I have a crazy busy life, people say to me all the time ‘I just don’t know how you do it’ my response is always ‘ I do several things badly instead of a few things well’ then I do the nervous laugh. Where they think I’m joking. But in fact i am deadly serious.
I want to be one of those people who breezes through life with an effortlessness elegance but the truth of it is I’m muddling through on a rampage of fear and sadness and happiness and confusion.
The main thing I get wrong is being a mum. You probably think it’s odd that I have barely mentioned my girls in any detail in this blog. But because they are the main topic of discussion for much of my actual life, I don’t feel like I need to talk about them in depth here. I’m a pretty rubbish parent. I’m aware that is quite a statement and peoples definition of a rubbish parent probably varies significantly. But I’m not good at it. Not at all. I’m impatient and snappy, I don’t want to spend my days playing games. I spend a large proportion breaking up fights and acting as a referee and the rest of the time wondering how I’ve got it all so wrong. I can’t remember the time they changed from being adorable small people to girls that shout and me and are never satisfied. But that’s the time I gave up trying to please them. Survival is the most I hope for now when we are home alone. I know I’m failing them. But I have no idea what action to take to get it all back on track.
I’m getting many relationships wrong at the moment. I’m over emotional and nervous. I’m easily upset and I definitely have a tendency to overreact. I’m confused and scared and the majority of the time I just want to go to sleep.
I’m trying to take one day at a time. To try and process all this mental chaos. But there are some days (like today) where I look at my front door from the chair in my kitchen and I think ..
I want to walk out of that door, keep walking and never come back. I’m sure they would all do better without me.