It seems incredibly cliché to be writing a post about love. But it is a topic I have been thinking about a lot lately. For a variety of reasons. It occurred to me a while ago that when you love someone without fear, it is absolutely incredible. But you only get to do this once a lifetime. Because after that time, that person, and whatever the outcome or the reason why it didn’t work out. You’ll forever hold ‘the fear’ the fear of what it will feel like to be without that person, the fear that they wont feel the same way towards you ( check out my previous blog un-equal in love? ) being alone, messing up, everything. The fear of everything. Love magnifies fear. It magnifies everything.
I’ve been told ‘I love you’ a few times, I am lucky in that respect. But I only remember one first time. It was like his eyes burned through mine, he said every word like they had never come out of his mouth before ( they most probably had) and he could see everything that I was. He wanted to share it, and I sure as hell wanted to share it with him. So for almost two years that is what we did. Until he didn’t mean it any more and I was left in no-man’s land. Then I got ‘the fear’ and I am not sure it has been the same since.
My husband probably tells me two to three times a day that he loves me. But he say’s ‘love you’ and I feel like the lack of the ‘I’ is significant. I overheard a friend of mine on the phone once. As they were saying goodbye, they said ‘I love you’ and every word was so beautifully eloquent that there was absolutely no doubt they meant it. But do the words even matter? or is it the way that you behave that is significant? Does my husband drop the ‘I’ because it obvious what he means and how he feels? or is he just lazy? are we just so jaded now, that they are just words and they fly out of our mouths out of habit rather than because we actually feel them so intensely we have to share that with each other? I’ve often wondered whether you can you have a successful, long term, relationship without being in love? or at least without saying it out loud? it is that important in a situation between two people? Because, if the answer is yes – you could enjoy all the great relationship stuff without ‘the fear’ and that, readers, would be extraordinary.
Could we live without love? or would that make us empty and soulless? I wonder if there is a way to love, like your first REAL love every time. Or, if you are not luckily enough to hold on to this, do we just have to accept it is never the same as ‘that time’ and make the best of it? I definitely believe that it is different with every partner, because it is the ‘us’ that makes love isn’t it? Rather than just the ‘you’.