So, since I wrote the post about leading other people’s fan clubs I have been thinking more about what this means for me and why I behave in this way. It appears it goes further than being a fan. I believe I am a ‘fixer’. When people I care about are struggling, I want to help, I want to soothe, I want to make better. I’m going to tell you why.
When I was a child something bad happened in my family. The event itself was horrific, I can still hear the phone ringing, I can see my mums face, I can remember the aftermath. But actually, this initial incident wasn’t the worst bit. It was the 4-5 years that followed. When I look back now, it’s obvious but at the time I honestly believe I didn’t know. I didn’t realise. My mum was drowning in sadness and depression. And no one was doing anything to help her. We were all there, we all got up everyday and did what we needed to do. She was always there taking care of us. But none of us asked her if she was ok, if she needed help. No one asked her why she was sad ( though we all knew really) we certainly didn’t talk about what had happened. We are not talkers as a family. No one did anything. Not one single thing. We ignored it. We brushed it under the carpet. We hoped it would go away. For a long time it didn’t. But eventually she was able to move past it. She does much better now, I’m happy to say.
So now, when the people close to me are engulfed by sadness, I am too. I am not naive enough to believe that I can make a difference to them in times of darkness but I’ll do all that I can to support them and to help them process. In the hope that somehow, these small acts will help. Sometimes I want to go and shake their family members, to beg them to open their eyes to what’s happening, because from where I’m sitting, they are doing exactly what we did, what I did. They are doing nothing. And I can’t do nothing now.
I have to do something.