So I haven’t been around for a while. It’s not like I haven’t had loads to say, it is just that i couldn’t work out which bits of it I wanted to say and which of these internal ramblings are better just left alone!
Lots has happened, life continues doesn’t it? even when you haven’t stopped to write about it, or to reflect on it.
But last night, someone I care about upset me, then walked away. leaving me crying, alone in the dark. I mean, actually they drove away. But still. It would probably have been less dramatic to just stroll off, at least in that scenario you can call out to them, to bring them back. To solve the problem, to dry the tears. But the finality of the act of just being left in the middle of, what now, seems like a crazy dream like universe. Listening to the sound of that vehicle driving far away from you. In a hurry and regardless of your feelings. That would hurt even the hardest of people surely? It sure as hell devastated me.
It didn’t take me long to realise that i couldn’t remember what I was actually upset about in the first place but I couldn’t help but feel incredibly hurt by being left. We all have places we need to be don’t we? but wouldn’t most people stop and take the time to comfort and to support our friends? Is it ok to be so focussed on where you are going to that you forget where you are currently and the reasons you are sharing that moment with those people in the first place? Is life so inflexible that we start to make choices like this?
Although my mind had been made up about what this action meant, upon discussion it appears it wasn’t a reflection on the relationship we have. More a bad choice, one that would be changed next time, one that carried guilt and sadness. I am trying to move past it, to forget it ever happened. But it has shaken me, it was an unexpected behaviour from someone I figured I knew well. Maybe we should give ourselves more permission to walk away, maybe the issue wouldn’t have been solved even if they had stayed. Maybe today would have been a sad day instead of one that has provided explanation and restored some level of hope. But I know I could never do it. I would never leave someone I loved or cared about alone when they are sad, regardless of if I was the cause of that sadness or not.
I am a forgiver though. We all make bad judgements every now and again, I certainly do. Everyone deserves a second chance.