Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m acting out my life, rather than living it. It seems to me like it is so much easier to become the persona you think you should be in some kind of soap opera – type version of reality.
So at home, I’m a wife and a mother, I never leave the house without a full face and ‘done’ hair. I mean, what would the neighbours say. Round here it isn’t even ‘keeping up the the Jones’ that you need to worry about. It’s keeping up with the people that inspire the Jones’ and that, my readers, is exhausting! We moved into this fantastic house almost three years ago, and I guess at that point I decided what type of person would live here. And so when I am here, I try and be that person. I’m absolutely sure, this person isn’t the real me.
At work, well this changes daily I think. It’s all pretty shitty in that respect at the moment. I am doing my best but that never seems to be good enough, people often say they feel like I am so comfortable and confident in my job – which proves I am actually a better actress that I think because generally I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. But I can talk the talk effectively and so that seems to keep my head above water – though how long this will last is anyone’s best guess.
I have talked to you before about how everyone who knows me looks on at my life and thinks that I have it all worked out. The scary truth is, there is one situation in which I feel like I’m myself at the moment. By that I mean, the stripped down version, the no acting, no special effects version, the just ‘being’ version. The trouble is, that this situation isn’t in my actual reality. It’s an escape version, it happens rarely but when it does, it feels so good. It’s a huge relief to just be. And to be accepted and valued for this ‘average’ version. But it’s so confusing. And I am always left wanting more of this. There is no sustainability though. And that’s a worry.
I just need to find a way to dispel the stereotypical versions of wife, mother, best friend, social urbanite and be me. Because it’s all very well being the leading lady of your own life. As long as the role you play is the truth.