It’s been much longer than i intended, since i last wrote anything. It’s because i haven’t really know what to talk about. Since i posted about the new year i have been pretty up and down. I told my husband i hated my life. Now, i think this moderately often. But not as a general rule. It’s just one of those things that i know i should never, ever say out loud.
When he asked me later that day if i meant it, i said no. But i am not sure that was strictly true. There are aspects i am not crazy about. I have spent the last few days trying to break it down, to understand what the issues are, to identify what aspects could be improved upon, which problems that could be solved. Searching for some ‘quick fixes’.
His main suggestion was to plan a holiday, to give me something to look forward to. This was a good idea, but the endless Google searches and term date comparison and over priced average holiday destinations just got me frustrated.
I just feel like something needs to change. But i don’t know what that something is. Work isn’t great, i have a massive list of things to do right now – yet i am writing this instead. I used to love my job, it gave me purpose and satisfaction and meaning. I felt like i impacted on decisions and people valued my opinion. I am not sure i have felt any of these things in a good while now. I could just leave. But i don’t want to be one of those people that doesn’t have anything themselves. Even if i was super rich, i would want to feel like i had a meaning as an individual. ( though i would do this whilst enjoying a extensive bag and shoe collection) I think if i could improve things here then that would help build up my confidence again. In the summertime i put myself out there for several opportunities and got rejected. I don’t think my self confidence has really recovered from that and i think my work has suffered as a result.
I am still trying to think of ways of being a better parent to – as i did hope to work on this in 2016. It’s just that, whilst i am unhappy within myself. If seems impossible to try and improve on the relationships i have with others. So these aspirations seem to co-depend on me sorting me out.
No pressure then.