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2015 finding myself

I am not a huge fan of New Years Eve. When I was younger it was all the pressure to go out and do something amazing and fun. So you would go with your friends to all the same places that you always go, but at the highly inflated price, with increased expectations which undoubtedly would lead to some level of disappointment. Waking up to a hangover and eyes with lasts night mascara smudged didn’t set a great tone for the year that was to come.

Since I became a ‘grown up’ ( I don’t feel like one but according to people I know – I am one) These evenings have morphed into dinner parties or gathering at other grown up houses. Following the birth of my first child almost 6 years ago it’s now a night in, some champagne and a take away. That’s alright with me though, I’ll be glad when Big Ben rings midnight ( I’m English you know) and i can go to bed. I am going to talk about my wishes for 2016 in my next post but i think i should give you some thoughts from 2015 before they are mentally filed in the past.

No major life events happened this year. I am a year older, but probably less wise. In fact, if anything, i would say that this year i have become slightly more irresponsible and reckless than i have been for many years. The deep set reason for this is probably linked back to my first post. I feel like i am starting to push back on the social expectations of me, to fight against the persona that i have spent the last 5 years or so building up. I have wanted people to view me as an individual again, rather than just a wife and a mother. Because i have feelings and intellect and opinions too and these are not restricted to behaviour training of toddlers or playground parenting olympics. I have watched as some of my dearest friends have disappeared, i mean, they are still here and still my friends but they have lost all ability to hold a conversation or to have an opinion on anything that is not directly related to their offspring. Even if, on the rare occasions we do manage a verbal exchange, eye contact is out of the question because they can’t take their eyes off the small person the the buggy. I wonder sometimes if this is normal? I mean, am i the one who is in the wrong here for not being 100% into it all the time? Am i missing this devoted parenting gene? will my best friends ever regain themselves again or are they lost forever now they have ceased being people and started being parents? If you haven’t worked it out. This is where all my personal guilt stems from. I just can’t be that person. It’s not me. I do the best i can as a parent. But i wont let it consume me. I worked hard to forge a career and become the person i am today. I can’t give it all up to be a mum. I think i have always known this. On my darker days i wonder if even made the right choices in my life. These can’t be changed now and i am pretty sure i wouldn’t want them to be.

I am not sure i intended to tell you all that today. But i suppose the essence is –

2015 was the year i found myself again, amidst the complete chaos of my life.

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