I am one of those people who wakes up in the night and starts to think. This is becoming more and more detrimental if I am honest. I mean, it isn’t even like we do our clearest or most sensible thinking between the hours of 2am and 4am is it? I have become an expert in talking myself into and out of things, about twisting things into problems that they aren’t and adding a million tiny things to the bloody ‘list’ which gets forever longer without me ever actually achieving anything that I could tick off.
People close to me will know that this often leads to message exchanges at 5am and arguments before we have even managed a cup of tea. And I need at least 2 cups of tea in the morning before I am able to function as anything remotely close to a human. ( I don’t drink coffee. I figure when I finally feel like an adult I will automatically like it – but that hasn’t happened yet)
These levels of anxiety and self doubt are relatively new to me, a few years ago I felt secure in myself and the things that happened around me. I certainly have never been a person that struggles to sleep. I can’t quite pin down what the single thing is that causes these night time obsessing sessions. Upon waking I am often sad, but I’m not sure why. Not only have I missed those hours of precious sleep and have to face a new day but I also wonder what is becoming of me? In one of my previous posts I wrote about feeling the most alone when everyone is here and that was definitely the case last night, there was a husband and a 3 year old and a cat to keep me ‘company’ but the night-time still felt endless and had me wishing that morning would hurry up, so I could abandon the charade of a restful sleep and get on with another busy day. I do better in the day, with friends and work and continuous distraction.
My favourite place to go to not think is the gym. I will always be found in a combat class on a Saturday morning. Sometimes the punches are directed at a person or a situation. But mainly I love the fact that for 55 minutes you can get lost in the instruction, within the music and adrenaline, there is absolutely no need to think about anything and that feels like such a relief to me, like for that time a huge weight is lifted from me, even when I hadn’t realised it was there in the first place. (Plus you can shed like 700 calories in a class and who doesn’t like that to start a weekend? )
Typically, despite wishing for morning for most of last night, when my alarm finally sounded at 6.20am this morning, it was the most unwelcome interruption to the long awaited second chance at sleep. Must try harder tonight if I wake up .. ( ‘I must not think, i must not think …….’)