I apologise that i seem to flit around, like i can’t quite decide what it is i want to talk about with you. It’s because there is so much, because 99% of the things that matter to me are 100% of the things i never talk about.
I have been thinking recently about how i came to be ‘here’ and i mean ‘here’ to be my life, circumstances and situation. So it seems only right that we talk about the time when i met my now husband. So you know, i generally only ever liked the bad ones. Want me to fall in love with you? be mean to me. Want me to chase you? loose interest in me. I guess my younger days were consumed with the thrill of the chase. I enjoyed the self punishment of never being enough. I was working long hours in the city, in a job i loved but was rubbish at and i was the only single one amongst my group of friends. Then one night i met him. He had limited impact on me. I didn’t get the initial thrill that i was used to, but he was persistent, he eventually convinced me to date him and i am pretty sure i kissed him. I guess the rest is history. He was a safe choice for me, he was never going to cheat, or hurt me or try and change me so when he proposed 8 months later it was a no brainer. we got married a year later.
I wonder sometimes if i was true to myself in choosing safe over fireworks. In my experience fireworks are short term, fade out and are quite frankly bloody dangerous. But they are so beautiful, and exciting and unpredictable and the younger version of me craved all those things and strived off the thrill of the unknown.
So now here we are, 8 years on, i think we do ok. Sometimes people come into my life and their impact on me is so profound that its hard to remember what life was like before, it wasn’t like that with him but he has certainly supported me and loved me into the person i am today. I have some incredible friends, that teach me a lot about how different relationships can be. How what works and what things are important to some of us, aren’t important to others. Is it more important to be close with your partner, like your best friend, or to have a great sex life, or to be somewhere in the middle. Is it better to do everything together, or have separate interests? Can you ever get it absolutely right with one person? It is too Disney to believe in a ‘happily ever after’? One thing i have definitely learned is that all relationships need work, i haven’t met a single person who is just 100% happy every single day, that their partner always meets their need or their expectation. I am certainly guilty of expecting too much, but i think we all are. We are only humans after all.