Ok, so I have touched on a couple of subjects. But essentially i started this blog to discuss with you ( although no one is reading at the moment) the fact that i feel like i am being held hostage by my life.
It’s like that classic phrase, when you feel like you are standing the in the middle of a crowded room screaming, and no one notices.
I spend a lot of time alone. Or trying to keep me and the small people alive. This is largely due to the work commitments of my husband. But when i feel the most lonely, is when everyone is here. The isolation feels more significant, i feel restrained and restricted. I feel trapped. But most of all i feel cross. I am cross with myself for having all this and still not being satisfied.
I think i am held back by fear, that if i ever said the things i am writing out loud that the world would implode and then i would be even more annoyed as i wouldn’t even have it as good as i do now.
Does that make any sense? it’s such a first world problem, i mean i am not a refugee, i’m not fleeing a war zone, I’m not living in poverty or deprivation or fear of violence. I’m living ‘the dream’ in middle class suburbia. But i can stop thinking that there must be more to it, like now I’ve reached 30 ( and a bit) and i am an actual grown up, i should know exactly what i am doing, know exactly how to feel in every situation and know how to impose changes and enjoy the benefits.
The loneliest place to be is surrounded by people who all seem to have an handle on it when you have absolutely no clue what it is that holds the key to your freedom.